Entry 1: Drowning
When everytime you turn around and someone else is getting what you wanted, its hard to stay afloat. I am so grateful for my girls and I wouldn’t give them up for anything. But man do I miss our son. I hate that he’s isn’t here. I hate that I don’t get to experience that mother son bond. I hate that so many people I know get that. Some more then once. I hate that I feel jealous. I hate that I resent others. I hate that I feel like I’m selfish for having all these feelings. I also hate when people tell me well just try again. I also hate when people tell me I’m gonna have another girl because I must not be able to have boys. There’s a reason for it. God I sit back and re-read this and you know how it makes me feel? It makes me feel like I am such a whiney, ungrateful, hate filled person. Maybe in some sense I am.
Then there is the flip side. I am overwhelmed with joy for all those who get to hold their babies in their arms as I would never wish this pain on ANYONE else. I am extatic that all their dreams are coming true and I am- it will always just be met with that twinge of sadness.
These are the waves of grief. The ones that come in slowly some days and crash down wildly others.
Entry 2: Being a Stay-at-Home Mom
I tend to fill my day with many hobbies. This page was created to share some of it with you all. Also, the journal section will be for me to share my everyday thoughts when I feel inclined to do so. Being a part of the baby loss community, I have found writing is my solace. So, sharing some of the true and raw emotions with you all helps me feel like maybe I am helping someone else out there. If I can make even 1 person feel better well then, I accomplished what I set out to do.
Entry 3: Starting a new Journey
For this summer I have decided to enroll into nursing classes. I am super excited and nervous all at the same time. I do have some medical background and feel this is the next step in my life.
Entry 4: School Second Semester
When I started my journey with college classes I knew it would be rough. I never in a million years thought that I wouldnt have much me time. I know that seems counter intuitive as I chose to go to school for me. However I miss being able to do the crafts I love. Now I do them when I can, even reading.
My children in school are doing well for the most part and thats great, but I feel very absent from their everyday because of how much school work I have. I am mentally exhausted by the time I am done for the day.
I give credit to all those women who are working, going to school full time and raising small children. It’s not easy yet you ladies make it look like its cake work!
Entry 5: Tiny Footprints:
I have tiny footprints that reside withing my heart. These tiny footprints that never knew pain. Well, I hope not anyway. Tiny prints that were destined for big things, until one day everything changed. Until one day, it was decided he didn’t deserve this earth and we didn’t deserve him in our arms….
I have tried. Tried for 5 years to not allow the anger to come in… but i am losing that battle. The more years that separate me from him, the angrier I get…
The angrier I get at this world, the less I’m capable of dealing with bullshit, ignorance, and other things.
Time doesn’t heal a wound this deep. A wound which was created to rip free from my body the very life I was supposed to protect. The body of a baby boy who didn’t deserve to be suffocated in the very liquid where he was meant to thrive. Never to take a breathe, open his eyes, or cry. Then that body to be placed in our arms and us expected to just move past it. To live and breath and be thankful… thankful for what? The hurt and void that is left in our lives? I am thankful for 1 thing only that I am here for my girls and husband.
But you can not possibly understand the trauma, the depth of this type of pain, unless you had your baby taken from you unexpectedly before even meeting that baby. Unless you felt so helpless in the trauma, begging to your belief entity to get you both to hands that could help. Begging for the sparing of your childs life. Crying when even though you got there in time, circumstances kept you from receiving that help. Even though the team of people tried desperately to save your baby, it was already to late.
No there is no other pain that even comes close to this one. NONE. period….
Twisted Healing 